


I Only Know It Isn't Mine

by theydonotmove



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Luther Hargreeves, Coming Out, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest, One Shot, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26567560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theydonotmove/pseuds/theydonotmove
Summary: “I’ve never said it out loud before.”Luther has a conversation with Ben.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves, Ben Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves (background), allison hargreeves/luther hargreeves (mentioned)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 78





	I Only Know It Isn't Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Alison" by Elvis Costello

“You look like you saw a ghost.”

Luther glared half-heartedly at the eerie blue outline of his brother and picked his chair up off the floor. He sat back down at the kitchen table where he had been trying to eat dinner before Ben decided to walk in through the wall instead of through the door like a normal person. 

“Has anyone ever laughed at that?”

Ben shrugged and leaned back against the wall he came through. “I could only talk to Klaus for thirteen years and they’re an easy laugh. So yes.”

“Hmm,” said Luther, taking a large bite of the shepherd’s pie mom had made him, “I guess I’m lucky the plant I kept on the moon couldn’t talk back. Didn’t have the chance to completely distort my sense of humour.” 

“You have a sense of humour?”

“Shut up.”

“So no chit chat from Planty, huh? Must have been lonely. At least I could hear other people talk to each other, even if they didn’t know I was there.”

“It was a long four years.”

“I wonder how long it would take for Planty to go Dolores on you,” Ben mused. “You know, start talking back?”

“His name wasn’t ‘Planty’” Luther mumbled.

Ben’s eyebrows shot up. “His?”

“Kyle. He was an umbrella plant.” 

“Cute. But you were closer to Dolores-ifcation than I thought if he had both a name and preferred pronouns.”

“I wasn’t going to marry my plant, Ben.”

“No, I suspect Five’s situational objectophilia is a special fixation all his own. Even for this family that’s… Well.”

“Situational… huh?”

Ben pulled out a chair and took the seat opposite Luther. Klaus must be having a particularly good day if moving things around was on the table for Ben with the former nowhere in sight.

“Objectophilia. Means attraction to objects, anthropomorphic or otherwise. Like Dolores.” Ben paused for a moment. “Don’t tell Five I called her an ‘object’”

God, Luther had missed talking to Ben. He was pretty sure that explanation would have come with a lot more snark or condescension from any of his other siblings. Even Alison probably would have taken a light jab at his intelligence. 

“I say situational,” Ben continued, “because I don’t think that would have been Five’s thing outside of the apocalypse. You never know though, it’s more common than you think. I read about one lady who was married to the Eiffel Tower.”

Luther barked out a laugh and Ben frowned at him. Luther held his hands up, still laughing. “No, no, I’m not judging. I just… Do you think...” He stopped and caught his breath. “Do you think we caused their divorce?”

Realization dawned on Ben’s face and he broke into laughter too.

“He left her,” Ben giggled. “He just...” He mimed a rocket taking off with an upward sweep of his forearm. “Went to space. Probably didn’t even say goodbye.”

“He went out for a pint of Milky Way and never came back,” Luther deadpanned. That sent Ben reeling again and Luther muttered, “I have a sense of humour.”

Eventually, their laughter died down to a comfortable silence. Luther was the one to break it.

“Hell of a way to end a relationship, huh?” he said, mostly to the table.

Ben took a moment to speak. “You know, I’m pretty sure Alison isn’t married anymore. She was never with Patrick in this timeline and Ray, well, I think he’s probably gone.”

“I guess.”

“It’s not too late, Luther.”

Before answering, Luther craned his head around toward the kitchen door.

“She’s not here,” Ben said. “She went out for Girl’s Night with Vanya and Klaus.”

“Why do they call it ‘Girl’s Night’ anyway? Klaus isn’t a girl.”

“You’re deflecting,” Ben said, plainly. “But Klaus says it’s because ‘Sisters and Non-binary Siblings Night’ wasn’t ‘punchy enough.’”

“It’s long,” Luther agreed.

“I proposed ‘Hargreeves-es Who Enjoy Wearing Skirts and Vanya’ but Klaus thought mom would fit into that description as well.”

“Fair.” 

“And then they spent a surprisingly-focused-for-Klaus amount of time trying to convince me to see if Vanya’s Academy skirts would still fit me.”

“Still?”

“Vanya used to steal my spare uniform pants to wear whenever she thought dad wouldn’t be paying attention… So always. And eventually Klaus demanded a skirt in return. It didn’t fit them - Vanya was so tiny and Klaus had hit their growth spurt - so sometimes when it was just us I wore it.”

“How did you know…” Luther rubbed the back of his neck. “How did you know that you wanted to do that?” 

“Wear the skirt? I didn’t know until I tried it.”

Luther nodded even though that wasn’t what he was trying to ask. “I mean, uh, I meant the other part. The ‘alone time with Klaus’ part. How did you know you wanted that?”

“Oh.”

“You don’t have to answer that,” he added quickly. 

“I don’t mind sharing, Luther. I just figured you kind of knew what it was like.” Ben looked towards the ceiling for a moment. “I guess I felt like I belonged whenever I was with them. I mean, I felt like that with you guys too. They just...” 

“You didn’t have expectations when you were together.” Luther finished. “They were just them and you were just you. No numbers or training or saving the world.”

“Yeah. Exactly.”

“I get that,” he said, knowing that was probably already obvious. 

Ben leaned back, disrupting the weird tension that had snuggled into the corners of this conversation. He smiled. “I guess the fact I couldn’t stop thinking about their lips was a big clue too.”

“Their lips?” Luther felt his brow tighten into an unbidden frown.

“You didn’t think about kissing Alison?”

Of course he wanted to kiss Alison. Alison was beautiful. But... “But you said ‘lips’”

Now Ben seemed confused. Was Luther saying something stupid again? He wasn’t good at this kind of thing.

Most of his siblings would never pass up the opportunity to imply Luther didn’t know lips were used for kissing. But instead, Ben smiled kindly and started to explain. “I kept catching myself staring at their lips. I was always thinking about kissing them no matter what dumb shit they were doing. I wanted to kiss them for any reason. Even when they were being a bitch.”

Huh, that’s… “I didn’t do that,” he found himself saying out loud.

Ben shrugged again. “It’s not the same for everybody.”

Luther got up and put his plate in the sink. “Do you think Diego’s right that we’re weird to have crushes on our siblings?”

Ben snorted and Luther turned back around. “I think Diego is a goddamn hypocrite and a liar if he said that.”

“What?”

“And of course it’s weird, Luther. Klaus is in a relationship with their dead brother. No part of that is normal.”

“I guess.”

“But neither was growing up like soldiers in this mansion with no one else to talk to.”

“It’s like Five and Dolores,” Luther began, slowly, “there wasn’t another choice.”

“What the fuck, Luther? Klaus and I aren’t last resorts for each other.”

“What? No! That’s not what I meant.”

“It sounded like it.”

“Sorry,” Luther said to the floor. 

“Look. I can admit that part of Klaus and I’s relationship as teenagers was experimentation with the closest willing body. But we had a choice and we took it, even if you and Alison and Diego never did.”

That made Luther raise his head again. “Diego?”

“He never acted on his crush on you or Alison but I’m pretty sure you both helped him realize he’s bi.” 

Huh. Luther sat back down at the table. “Diego had a crush on me?”

“You never wondered why he was so frustrated with you all the time?”

“I just thought he was an asshole.”

Ben snorted. “He was. He was also really annoyed about how hot you are.”

“Oh.”

“Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that our teenage crushes were all kind of… inevitable.”

“Inevitable,” Luther repeated.

“And it’s not too late for you and Alison.”

Luther looked down at his hands in their fingerless gloves and tucked his fingers under his palms, hiding the fur and the black-rimmed nails. “She wouldn’t…”

“She would,” Ben encouraged. “She does, still.”

Luther shook himself a little. “That’s not… I don’t… I don’t think I do. Still.”

“Oh.”

“I think you were right. About it being inevitable, I mean.”

Ben looked confused again and Luther let out a breath, trying to collect his thoughts. Why was this so hard?

“Five and Dolores - he didn’t really have a choice. It was her or nothing. And you and Klaus - you thought about them all the time. Diego… Diego was a horny teenager. Alison and I… it wasn’t like that.” He paused for a moment, remembering something. “You know that thing Vanya said? When she was talking about Sissy and Jenkins and the difference she felt? I think it’s like that.”

Ben leaned forward and tried to cover one of Luther’s balled fists with his own hand but he phased right through. It was getting late, Klaus must be tired. Or maybe they were drinking again.

Ben pulled his hands back to his side of the table. “Luther, are you trying to say you’re gay?”

“No!” Luther took a breath and tried to sound less frustrated. “No, there… there was a term Vanya used.” 

“Compulsory heterosexuality?”

“Yes. That.”

“You’re saying you didn’t have a crush on Alison, you just thought you should?”

“I think so? I don’t know. I love her so much and she’s beautiful and I wanted… I want to want her.” 

“But you don’t.”

“I don’t think I want anybody… like that.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.” He finally looked at Ben again. “Is it weird I felt like I had to have a crush on my sister?” 

“No,” Ben said immediately. “Well, yes the sister part…”

“Forget it. It’s weird.”

“Luther, no. The sibling part, yes that’s weird. But you’re… well I guess you’re not as much preaching to the choir as you are tempting the damned, but we’re past that part anyway. What I meant to say is it’s not weird for you to feel that way about the closest person of the ‘opposite’ sex. Dad making sure that was absolutely no one outside this family is beyond the point.”

“I think it helped? That I couldn’t have her.”

“Like, the fact she was your sister made her unattainable?”

Luther nodded. “And then she was married, twice, and she still wasn’t attainable. It was… safer.” 

“That makes sense.” 

Luther smiled weakly at his brother. “I’ve never said it out loud before.”

Ben smiled back. “First time for everything.”

Luther took a long, deep breath, wondering how he could still be so nervous. 

“Ben, I’m asexual.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you're over 18, come join us on the TUA discord server [Elliott's House!!](https://discord.gg/cXHwSQq4am)


End file.
